5_RaisedanaC

November 14, 2010

Peter Lik USA 6625 West Badura Avenue Las Vegas, Nevada 89118

Hello Mr. Lik:

I am the Vice President of the Photography Club here at Cal Poly Pomona. Many of our members, including myself are intrigued when we look at some of your portfolios displaying the amazing work you produce.

Photography is an amazing form of art, our goal here at the CPP Photography Club is to learn as much as we can about the broad topic of photography, our meetings are sectioned for a specific topic each week we meet. Landscape Photography is our next jump into the field.

We know you are a renowned expert in the Landscape Photography and ask you to just present a few ideas on how to always improve and adapt to the ever expanding field. Even though we can only offer you an honorarium of $500 the benefits of helping us learn would be immeasurable.

Our next meeting is on Tuesday, November 23, 2010 at 12:00pm, it would be an awesome if you came and helped the Photography Club expand its horizons.

Sincerely,

Cameron Raisedana Photography Club VP

1. The paragraphs only have 2 sentences each so it's not that much longer than a typical email.

2. " Photography is an amazing form of art, our goal here at the CPP Photography Club is to learn as much as we can about the broad topic of photography, our meetings are sectioned for a specific topic each week we meet." -This sentence is really confusing.

3. Good job of introducing yourself and giving yourself credit to the field.

4. The next couple sentences are not as well written. For example, "Even though we can only offer you an honorarium of $500 the benefits of helping us learn would be immeasurable." -There should be a comma after $500. You should go into detail on how "helping us learn would be immeasurable" to persuade him to come.

5. Again, the last sentence is not in proper structure.

6. I would suggest proofreading the letter before sending it for any grammar, sentence structure errors, etc.

7. It was not that persuasive-short and sweet.

Corrected by: 21

***
 * 1) 22. This letter I would say is very concise and easy to read and direct to the point and also very persuasive. The introduction gets the reader interested by telling the reader about the writer and what the writer's organization do and wants to achieve from the reader and I also liked the conclusion and I liked how the letter motivates the reader by offering monatary compensation I'm sure the reader will be persuaded.