5_BasmajianY

November 12, 2010

Mr. John Smith 1234 E. Locust Blvd. Pasadena, Ca 91707

Dear, Mr. Smith

Mr. Smith, I would like to thank you for being a loyal customer to OneWest Bank. We are delighted to have you as our customer and look forward to building our relationship with you throughout the future years. We appreciate your business. Reason for my letter is first of I would like to see if there is any questions or concerns regarding your accounts that I could answer and help you with. Also, I hope your experience with our bank has been a good one. When I was looking at your accounts that you hold with us, I came to realize that it would be of your best interest if I offer you our new product called the Premium Money Market account that earns a higher interest rate. Our Premium Money Market offers a great variety of products, that will not only offer you a higher interest rate, but also would give you the opportunity to get free cashiers checks daily, online banking, wire transfers and the ability to write six checks against the account. The only down side is that you would need to maintain a thousand dollar balance in order to avoid the service fee’s that will generate if the balance of the account falls below one thousand dollars. By looking at you account I do not see a problem with you maintaining the thousand dollar balance. So if you like to take some time and think about the product and see if it would be an interest to you, by all means please take your time and as soon as you come to a decision feel free to contact me or drop by and see me at the branch and we will start the process with the account type change. Mr. Smith, what I would need from you is a signature on the transaction ticket and we will update your signature card with the new account type and number that we will save at our branch for reference in order to verify you when you come to make a transaction on the account. Upon completion of the account I will provide you with a certificate that states the vesting of the account, the account number, interest rate and annual percentage yield of the account. You will also receive a new ATM card as well as check books. Please call us if you have further questions or if I can help in any way. Thank you again for choosing OneWest Bank.

Yolland Basmajian Personal Banker

Reviewed by 1: First of all, it was a good letter but it's all one big paragraph. You need to divide your letter into multiple paragraphs, which shouldn't be too hard because as I was reading the transitions were there, but the paragraphs just weren't separated. You did a good job easing into the the letter in the introduction. You also did good job stating the case and explaining why Mr. Smith should act. The conclusion needs to be a little more direct, but other than that it was good. You would have persuaded me.